Ages and Stages of Grief

Grief affects everyone differently. Grief also affects each person differently based on their age and relationship to the person they  loss. At 11 I was angry. At 17 & 19 I was sad about my grandparent’s death. I spent great years with them and I have so many memories. They both were sick and tired and I feel like God prepared me for each one. He showed me my grandfather’s death in a dream. I was devastated. But I knew his time was near and I was able spend time with him. God  spoke to me about grandmother and I tried to bargain with her and Him. I was hurt and didn’t want to let her go at all. But at  25 and losing my mom, I was everything at once. Angry. Depressed. Felt guilty.  Was afraid. And had to still be a parent and work through it all. I was a complete mess. At 35 losing a baby after I had accepted that I was pregnant again. I was angry with myself, my husband, and the doctors. I was confused. But through each loss that I experienced. God comforted me like He said he would. He provided peace like he said He would.

No matter what, no matter what age, or stage of life you are in, you will be in shock.

When my brother died it was unexpected and it took a lot of time to get through. Because I had to process as a child and as an adult. With my grandparents especially my grandmother it was shocking that it happened but I was able to spend almost everyday with her during her transitioning. I was able to sneak her food  into the hospital. Be at her bedside every time I was off work. There were days I just laid in her hospital bed with her. Like when I was a little girl. When she transition my mom and I slept on the floor in her hospice room for 2 days. I didn’t feel empty without her. I was confident she was going to be with the Lord and be at peace.

Now with my momma I had unprocessed mother wounds that came out once I got married and was no longer able to grieve alone or in secret. I was mad at her. Actually I was pissed at her. She didn’t have life insurance. No savings. No nothing. And on top of the financial burden of laying her to rest, she didn’t prepare me to live without her. When I was younger she would make statements like “You need to make sure you know how to cook and clean because you’re not guaranteed a maid or a husband.” “Don’t think I’ll always be here” But I wasn’t prepared emotionally or mentally to live without her.  I had learned a long time ago my mom wasn’t perfect but she was still my best friend, even with all of our issues, she was always the first person I called to talk to  every day.  No matter how busy I was I knew I was seeing my momma every week. I knew I was talking to her everyday. At least 2x. I knew my oldest son was gonna ask to see her and I was taking him over there.  Once the smoke had cleared from all things surrounding her death, I also went back to my normal. I called her.She didn’t answer. It hit me like a semi truck carrying a ton bricks. She was gone.

Losing my mother was a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  It’s a different kind of pain. It was like someone ripped my heart out, cut it into pieces, stomped the pieces in the ground , set them on fire then laughed in my face and told me I still had to go on with life. Think Mortal Combat at the end of the round and the announcer yells “FINISH HER” I was the one on my knees swaying, about to pass out and my opponent does their finishing move. My whole being hurt. I didn’t experience that hurt and pain with any other loss I’ve endured.

When you experience loss at different stages and ages in life those losses get processed differently. You are not going to experience it the same. You can get through a loss a lot better when you have the finances in place, had a healthy relationship with the person, and the support needed to not go through it alone.