Denial is Funny Like That…

It was 5 days before my 11th birthday. I had just return to school after being sick I had been diagnosed with Sickle cell, for weeks I was in pain, could barely move some days. But I thought I would be ok to go back school. So, I went. My brother had already graduated from high school the December before. So, he had been home with me while my mother worked. I went to school and got sick. I was in excruciating pain. The nurse called my mom, but she was at work. At the time she was a teacher and couldn’t leave work without someone to cover her. I remember the nurse saying, “your mom said to page your brother”. Y’all remember pagers, right? If not, you missed out! He would not call back. Very unlike him.

It was nearing the end of the school day; they didn’t trust me reading the bus in fear I might pass out or start vomiting again. After several failed attempts of reaching my brother, my mom left work and picked me up from school. When we got home the nosey, mischievous neighbor kids (I won’t call them what I want to call them) rushed us saying “the police are looking for your son.” -talking to my mom. Huh? Shortly after my mom’s friend came over crying and screaming saying something happened to my brother and his friend. Not long after the police showed up and told us that my brother had been murdered by his friend. I’ll go into more about this at later date as it may be triggering for some of you who are grieving a death of loved one who was taken from you through gun violence.

As much shock as I was in, I also didn’t believe it was true. He would never do that to my brother! Can’t be true! That’s his friend! They’re like brothers!

I went to the funeral home he was in the casket lying, stiff and cold. But he looked sleep. I waited to see if he was going to jump up. He didn't. I went to the funeral, saw the caretakers put him the ground. I looked around to see if anyone was watching and looked out of place, in hopes it was him. When I say looked I was looking at the trees and behind the cars and by the street. You know looking for spots where stalkers or police would be in movies.

Still didn’t believe it. Didn’t seem real. It had to be dream. Right? No. It was real. I was just in denial.

I stayed in denial for almost 10 years! When I was I younger there was this song that came out by Scarface and in the video the main character faked his death and then comes back and surprised his family. I believe the video was “Never seen a Man Cry” I was convinced that is what my brother had done. He was in major trouble so him and his friend figured out this elaborate plan to “kill” him and they found some old white man pretend to be the coroner to come and tell us he was killed and they ran away to Cuba or somewhere, -I don’t know. Y’all they were 18 & 19 years old at the time and I’m sure they didn’t have passports or a way to get to Cuba. But whatever that was my logic when I was 11 years old. I just wanted my brother to come home and stop paying.

7 years came and the guy that murdered him was released from prison. He was sentenced to 50years, his time was cut to 25 and he only did 7. That was when people could still get out early for good behavior. Now if I’m not mistaken, he’s currently married, with kids, wrote a book and living his best life. Crazy right?

10 years went by, and my brother didn’t come back. I would often see guys that looked just like him. Tall, brown skin, cornrows to the back, big bright eyes, full lips, board shoulders and gold teeth. And I would cry. Sometimes, I would try to get close enough to speak to see to them, to hear if it was his voice or look at their eyes. My brother had these big beautiful burnt orange eyes (his eyes weren’t brown even to call them hazel), so I knew if I could see his eyes, it would be him. No one had eyes like him. Anything to justify my theory. There was no surprise, no phone call, no meeting someone that turned out to be him, nothing. Just a painful realization that he was truly gone forever, and I had no choice but to accept it my reality.

Denial will truly have you believing that the news you received is a lie from the pits of hell and give you false hope based on assumptions. Denial is funny like that.

The other thing about grief that no one tells you, is you can be in one stage like I was and experience other stages at the same time. Like anger. I was in serious denial, but I was angry at my brother, his friend, every person that looked like, every man that had gold teeth, his friend’s parents, and myself. Then on top of the anger I felt, I was unknowingly fighting depression.

The grief process may look like they go in an order, but I’m here to tell you, they don’t. Don’t be fooled into thinking you go from denial to bargaining to depression and so on until you get to acceptance. Not how that works.

Grief will have you all over the place. I have the below diagram, that is also featured in my upcoming book Good Grief: Guided Journal Releasing next month. The first diagram shows how we expect grief to go and the second diagram gives an example of what actually happens. In these diagram are the main stage of grief, the feelings that come with those stages and also actions we may take during the stage. Looking at the diagrams shows why it is important to identify where you are in your process. By knowing where you are you can get help through it and move on to the next stage whatever that maybe for you.

You can also go through multiple stages at once. Here are some things to ask yourself today if you think you may be in denial.

1. Who gave you the news? Sometimes getting the devastating news from a reliable source makes a difference when you are not present at the time.

2. Does your denial make sense? Example: I thought my brother faked his death. He was 18. We lived the hood. He didn’t have a lot of money(as far as I know). He had no reason to.

3. What would change if you could have this person or thing back? Would you trust them? Would you still be heartbroken?

4. Where do you think you are in your process?

Comment below your thoughts, questions or concerns.