Each it’s own

In this 1st years of marriage I got to learn something that I thought was simple. How to love my husband and children. Sounds easy right?……

……Umm….. NO!

Because love is a choice. You have to choose to love someone the way they need to be and feel loved. Here’s where it has gotten tricky for me. When my husband and I started dating he made it clear that his love language was “Quality Time”. As we have grown closer and spent more time together, I’ve learn that it is not his primary love language. I have learned his love language is actually “Words of Affirmation”. He needs to hear me say how much I love him, how much I appreciate him and how great he is. While his secondary love language is “Quality Time” , he is greedy about it wants his quality time when he wants it. Now my daughter however her love language is physical touch. She needs to be hugged, cuddled, and needs to be near me and touching something connected to me. She is perfectly content and happy watching TV and holding my hand, hanpving her foot on me, touching my arms, something. And she feels the most loved when I simply hug her. My sons are very similar. My oldest son has adjusted his love language to quality time. He needs my time and attention. He now understands that he has to share me with 3 other people, so when he get his few minutes he gets it and gets upset with me when that time is taken from him. My youngest son, is also a Quality Time and Physical Touch kid, but he’s different than the other 2. He has learned he has to get in where he fits in. He steals his time and then is very selfish about his moment with me. He will have an all out fit if the other two notice him getting attention and they try to intervene. He does not play.

I did not speak “Physical Touch” before I got married. I can’t stand to be touched too often. I like my personal space. It’s annoying being hugged and kissed all of the time by germy little people. I felt like they were always up to something when they would come up to hug me or touch me and bat their big eye lashes at me. So during these last few years, I had to learn to speak their language and relax. The way I got over this was telling my kids they needed to ask before touching me. Ask to enter my personal, ask if they can have a hug. And I know some of you lovey dovey cuddley moms think it’s mean but to me it’s teaching them to respect my personal space and also respect other’s personal space, but also letting them know I still love them. I don’t just go and hug them or touch either, I ask first. Can I have a hug? Hey would you like to hold my hand? Do you mind if I fix your hair? Etc.

Below I have added the link to complete the 5 love languages quiz. I am not the creator of this quiz I have no invested rights. Gary Chapman the author of the 5 love languages is an amazing teacher and source to learn how to love the ones around you. Another major resource is yourself. Take a moment to think about what you do or say that brightens up your spouse or children’s face. Think about the things they have said to you. The “ I wish” statements they have made and evaluate the moments and how they made you feel. Then adjust to incorporate those things in your daily life to show the ones around you love them. I am not perfect and I’m ok with this. I miss the mark sometimes, but this one lesson I have learned and cherish. I want my family to know I love them but I also want and need them to feel loved by me.

5 Love Languages