The Root of the Problem….

#meproblem #griefsupport #release #unforgiveness #hurt

Have you heard the phrase “That sounds like a YOU problem?”

I used to use this phrase often(and sometimes still do). But recently I discovered that some of the issues I’ve dealt with is a “Me problem.” And man did it hurt my feelings when I received that revelation. Yup, I hurt my own feelings with that one! Ouch!

In grief we go through a few phases that while in those phases we blame others, circumstances and ourselves. We get into a part of grief where we hold on to things that at the root have nothing to do with anyone or anything else but ourselves. This is where guilt and depression intersect and entrapment happens in the depression stage. We trap ourselves here because of our unwillingness to grow, our need for attention, and our need to hold on to the IT. We developed an attachment to the issue and the results it give us. We fail at recognizing we are our own problem, and instead of changing, we clutch to it tight and refuse to let go.

This was me! I held onto unforgiveness.

The unforgiveness caused me to be out right pissed TF off! And for me the anger I held was an attachment to my past. I held onto mistakes because I felt like they defined me and gave me a sense of who I was. In reality not forgiving myself for those decisions, and not acknowledging that the mistakes where lessons held me in the past I was grieving an old version of myself that no longer existed. I had been her for so many years that it was difficult to let go. But once I let go that’s when things got weird. I lost myself. I no longer had identity or a voice. The old version of myself was a mess. She was hurting, she was trying, she was longing for something better and couldn't find it. She was holding on to people and experiences that no longer served her. She lacked boundaries, She was lost. The "updated" her, was not much better. She was still lost, had no identity and was desperate to grow. On the outside I looked like I had it all together. But the inside I was searching for meaning and fulfillment. And the 3 of us were taking up too much space in my mind and heart. Somebody had to go. So I released the old version of myself by forgiving her. It was hard. Extremely hard. It's still a struggle. But I gave myself permission to feel, speak up, to create and enforce boundaries, and empower those around me to do the same. Just like grief it's a process.

While I was searching for this new version of me. I was invited to prayer call. On the prayer call , the Pastor leading the call said to me “You’re going to minister and you won’t be afraid” First of all I’ve been scared. Terrified! Like I was Jonah in the whale! Running from God because of the unknown and because I was holding onto all of that hurt and unforgiveness, I couldn't figure out what she was talking about. But what was I scared of? Scared that I would upset someone? Afraid of offending people. Scared of letting go. ALL OF THAT!! I was my problem.

Let me tell you what I learned along the way to figuring it out and releasing myself from unforgiveness:

1. People are going to be upset regardless.

2. They don’t have a heaven or hell to put me in.

3. When I get to heaven God is only going to ask me about me.

4. Jesus was an outcast too and He was unapologetic about His purpose and his feelings.

I’ve finally let go of that old version of myself. She served her purpose. She taught me a lot of lessons that developed me into who I’m growing into now. But in order to do so, I had to release the idea that I’m in control, stopping holding on to stuff that meant me no good, apologize to myself and others, and ask God to forgive me.

Grief is more than death, divorce and job loss. You can also grieve a change you've made. You can grieve old habits, routines, lifestyles and living people. You can grieve mistakes and choices you made.

On July 20, 2023, I’m hosting a Wine & Release outing. During this event we are going to sit around a bonfire, drink some wine, and think about how we feel and feel about what we’re thinking. Yup, I said that right. The heart and mind do know to work together when we allow them to. That looks like "I feel angry about XY&Z because blah blah, but why do I feel angry at that? It makes me feel angry because...."

So come join me on some much needed reflection time, with women on similar paths towards healing. We're going to ask some not so easy questions. We're going to cry, we're going to laugh and we're going to release some things.

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