"Be Strong".... I was 5

#grief #identify #grief process

It was 1991, my whole family was in town and in the backyard of my Great Great Aunt Julia’s house on the east side of Indianapolis. My Uncle Hugh was on the grill. My grandparents and my aunts and uncles were sitting around talking. My mom and her cousin were in the driveway talking it up and reminiscing. My cousins and I were running around playing tag and being kids. Fighting and arguing and laughing all at the same time. My mom announces it’s time to go over my grandparents house. Nothing unusual for us to leave my Aunt Julia’s to go over my grandparents or vice versa.

Now Auntie was a no nonsense, praying, loving old school woman who definitely coined the term “don’t play with me, pray with me.” She had no shame in laying unholy hands, if you were out of hand. Read scriptures before every meal and before bed and that we went to church every Sunday if we were over my grandparents house. Auntie had been on in home Hospice for a while. So my grandparents turn the dinning room into her room so she could still be around family and so her nurses could get to her.

We got over my grandparents, and the emotions were heavy. You could feel the sadness as soon as you walked in the door. I wasn't ready.

At first I just stood back because I didn’t know what to do. I just knew to wait. My mother and grandmother had me come up to Auntie’s bedside. As I’m walking towards her I’m holding back tears. I hated seeing her like that. I knew her as my best friend. I played in her room, slept in her bed when I visited. Played in her jewelry, heck i still have the mirror that was in her room. We watched tv together and she always had something for me. I remember my mom telling me “you have to say who you are.” I'm thinking "Huh? She knows who I am." In reality she didn’t. She had been suffering from dementia and as she was transitioning she forgot all of us. That hurt. How could she forget who I was? I’m Te-Te. Her Te-Te. Her favorite niece. But I complied, holding her hand and trying not to cry “Auntie it’s me, Te-Te,” with barely any voice to say, She muttered “Te-Te that’s you?” "Yea Auntie, it’s me Te-Te. remember me?” She smiled and patted my hand. I could no longer hold back my tears and cried. I knew what was happening even though my family never actually confirmed it. I told her I loved her and cried at her bedside uncontrollably, until someone walked me to my mother’s arms, and said “Be strong” I was 5! I had no idea what that meant.

Weeks went by, I hadn’t been over my grandparents since that day. I don’t remember going to her funeral. I remember being at school and crying and a friend asked me if I was ok and all I could do was cry some more.

When I finally went back over my grandparents’ house it was Christmas, the bed she had been in for months was no longer in the dining room… the big wood table my grandparents had was back. Auntie was no longer there and everyone was ACTING like this was normal. So I did too.

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As people of color we are often told at a young age, to be strong when things go left. We’re never given permission to feel our feelings or express ourselves. Therefore suppressing our inter-child and creating wounds that will go untreated for years. Causing us to hide how angry or sad we are and allowing our emotions to build up over time and become behavioral challenges. Acting out, drinking, developing drug habits or closing ourselves off. Basically being stuck in the Anger stage of grief and masking it. Then we don't go to therapy or find help because we either don’t believe in it or can’t afford it.

What would happen if we listened to God when he says “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.(II Corinthians 12:9 NKJV),” And allowed ourselves to stop pretending to be strong and dwell in His comfort “As one whom his mother comforts, So I will comfort you; And you shall be comforted in Jerusalem. (Isaiah 66:13 NKJV)" I bet we would all feel a lot more peace in minds and hearts, be more open to therapy, be willing to talk about our feelings and be able to function better as a people.

Things to think about:

1. Am I strong because I was told I had to be?

2. Are my feelings bottled up?

3. How can I effectively express the pain I feel?