It’s the Little Things

#permissiongranted #grievewell #griefjourney #greifsupport #triggers #therapyisforeverybody

I’m laying in bed and all of sudden the ceiling fan, that is not on makes a noise.  I instantly jump up looking around. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Silence.

I am convinced that marriage brings out things in you that you didn’t  know existed.

In 1998 my little brother died and I’m not sure how comfortable my family is discussing his death so I won’t go into details. However I never got the chance to grieve losing him. When I got married I learned how much his death affected me.  Babbbyyyy listen!! I was a whole wreck! Whew!

There were two things I discovered. Firstly, I found that I disliked having ceiling fans in bedrooms. Secondly, I felt anxious every time I noticed one of the children with an object near their neck, except for ties, scarves, or necklaces. Even in those cases, I remained vigilant and observant.

One day one of sons was walking around with a corded gaming controller around his neck and I flipped out. FULL ON SPAZ!! Screaming yelling and crying. My family thought I lost my mind. My husband was like "Mara chill, it's ok, calm down." Meanwhile I’m yelling at my son "Take that off your neck! Are you crazy?! What if you trip on the hanging end of the the cord and choke yourself to dealth! Then who the hell going to explain the the authorities!? Then screaming at my husband "No it not ok! He can't be running around with that around his neck, he could kill himself! Then what?!"  After about an hour of me spazzing and I finally calmed down. I realized that I had some unchecked feelings about my little brother’s death.

Oh but wait let's add some fuel to the fire! Because what is a good emotional fire without a little fuel?

Some time later my husband wanted to add a ceiling fan in our sons' room. It was an immediate HELL NO! They had bunk beds and the ceiling was too close to the top bunk for me. So of course I spazzed again, when my husband told me he was going to add it anyway because my middle son always complained about being hot.  I finally had to come clean about my multiple spaz sessions. I told him what had happened to my little brother. My husband was so understanding. But he definitely made me check my emotional instabilities. I remember him saying “You can’t be scared of everything because of your past”  OUCH! That hurt. In shock I looked at him and continue to cry. I mean I’m not scared of everything. But I was cautious and afraid that one of my sons would get hurt or worse… die. Ok I'm lying. I was terrified, to be more precise. I don’t know how strong I am to face that. And I don’t want to find out.  I’ve had to prove my strength enough in this life time. Let's not add to the list. 

I want to emphasize that it's the little things that can unexpectedly stir up your emotions and pain.

For those who believe they are capable of managing intense emotions triggered by minor incidents like a certified G, let me make sure you hear me well - it's the little things that can provoke your unchecked emotions and pain. These are emotions and pain that lay dormant until something triggers them. That's why it's important to not only seek therapy when things go awry, but also prioritize emotional and mental upkeep. Meaning have regulare therapy sessions with a trained mental health professional, and not just talk amongst trusted family and friends. They mean well however they can not and should not be responsible for your emotional and mental well-being. That is too much of a burden to continue to put on people who also need therapy. Yup I said it! Fight me! They need therapy too and shouldn't be responsible for your emotional and mental instability.

Now listen, in the moment you will not realize the why of your triggers, like a ceiling fan making a noise. After you calm down, don't just go about business as usual. Take a moment to reflect on the why behind your emotions. Especially big emotions like I experienced. These are the moments where breakthrough, healing, and enlightenment are birthed. and the was to birth them is to validate your emotions and check ourselves.

Had I not been able to acknowledge my lack of grief and very real pain 9 years ago, this past week when I was lying in bed and the ceiling fan was making noise, I would've got out bed at 11:33PM and told my husband that this brand new ceiling fan he just installed had to go! he would've told me and I would've been spazzing again.

If you so nothing else with this post but read it, I hope you take a moment to validate your feelings and seek the help that will guide you towards a more healthy mental and emotional stay.

Permission Granted!